I haven't been this sober since birth.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
