Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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