you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
