I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
