two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
