it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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