I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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