no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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