He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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