I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
dude i'm inner monologue high
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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