I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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