peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
