I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Loading more great texts...