How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
