Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
