Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
