So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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