yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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