I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We talked him into tasing himself.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
