i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Sext me about skeletons
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
