Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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