oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
