making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
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You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
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Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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