so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
