from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
