he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
