Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
