I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
