I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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