Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
