True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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