So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
