Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
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I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
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The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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