Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
