Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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