five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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