Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
