I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
