Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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