Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
