my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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