No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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