I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
