She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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