Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream