dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
NoShamevember. You game?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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