It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
