The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
