dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
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Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
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All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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