she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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