my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
