I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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