she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
