Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
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Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
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To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize