In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
