That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
only you would photoshop your dick
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
