I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
