nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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