She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
