i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
