I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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